ramblings of a single dude

Driving home tonight I started to consider single life and why I’m fine with it. At any point in time I can do whatever the hell I want.(Excuse the french, it’s only to emphasize the point) I can drive to KC or Asheville for a show, I can hop in my car and drive 130mph, I can work on whatever project I feel like, I am free to hang out with any one any where at any time. Tell me in what relationship is the same freedom available? If I want to go out for dinner I don’t have to schedule it out 4 weeks in advance in order to match up with someone else’s schedule. I am free to appreciate music and sing along in the car, talk to myself while driving or spend hours driving in prayer. No one around to interject a word or crowd me when I feel like being alone. No one to be quiet for in the morning because I might wake them up. No one’s birthday to remember or family in-laws to deal with. One would think that as the pool of options dries up…dang and I mean literally dries up into a bunch of old ladies, withered and uninteresting or a million times my size, that I would become more desperate and less picky. I’ve found just the opposite is true. The list of specifics that I’m waiting for is much different in kind and nature, but the acceptance of the idea that any woman is as good as another has never received my adherence. To some degree I am still waiting for that smoking hot sweetness to enter from stage right, but I’m not here pining away for her. She can make an entrance or I can continue to live on without her without much detriment to my outlook. Sure it’d be great to have the type of friend that only a woman can be, but I’ve had a few good women friends and even had a pretty cool connection with a few of them. In the end though friendships end and move on, old friends exit and new friends enter. These love interests though holding my attention for a time and in certain cases causing all manner of distress have obviously been of fleeting concern and consequence to my life. Little long term impact other than creating a wary and cautious man. Married people often think they have cornered the market on happiness and fulfillment. I’m glad they’re happy, but how naive to think everyone’s world must revolve around the same things that yours does in order to attain happiness. They haven’t the right to “feel sorry for all their poor lonely single friends”.

Life as I know it

Some times living life single is filled with contentment and can be far preferable to being attached. Then at other times it can feel overwhelmingly daunting and the weight almost unbearable. How close these moments seem to follow one another is strange indeed. One minute I’m able to appreciate how truly free and unencumbered my life is unattached and I rejoice greatly for the joy of being adaptable and able to change direction in a moments notice. The silence and simplicity of solitude appeals greatly to me, however, while I do enjoy this time alone it can gradually turn into isolation and then the deep yearning for closeness rises from within. There is this great desire to be with a kindred spirit or for someone to help hold fast when almost to failing to stand.

In a months time to have considered two opposite directions so closely together would seem incongruent. First the commitment and devotion of a monk like solitary existence in order to gain better focus appeals greatly to me. Second, but 180 degrees opposite of it that I should also have been considering the pursuit of a young woman must seem strange. To have coupled so closely these two lines of thought and reasoning I’m sure is perplexing to others, but they both came up very naturally at the same time and in parallel for me. That I should consider them in tandem, but then that I should decide which direction to aim and to pursue it whole heartedly whatever the choice should be. That I should decide to pursue singleness when the option of this wonderful woman was still on the table seemed to me the greatest form of offering or sacrifice that I could make to the Lord. However when I reached my decision and chose to pursue her only to be waived off, excused away and rejected was overwhelming. Only after the hopeful option of a possible romance exploded in my face could I see that the choice of monastic pursuits even after rejection should prove to be the more difficult form of sacrifice. A route that even now I hesitate to walk although I would have gladly chosen it as the first option before ever pursuing the other. The choice is discouragingly more difficult to make now even though it is the only path before me. I stand here looking from side to side, looking back upon paths that cannot be unwalked, looking ahead, but my vision is obscured so I pause here and wait for another way to be made known or to be nudged forward. Is my breaking complete? Have I been brought down to death in order to be raised to new life? Does my hope and trust increase in the Lord or will my spirit remain downtrodden within me? Oh Lord you know your servant and what his heart requires. Do not call him forth to trial and testing without strength enough to face it or dashed upon the rocks will he be found and his spirit shattered to pieces.

Though he slay me…[I do not know why]
yet will I…[with whatever strength remain]
trust…[hope and be found]
in Him.

MUTEMATH – Oct 11, 2011

Earlier this week I drove down to Little Rock to catch MM again on their Odd Soul tour at the Revolution Music Room. At the show I met a couple of people who of all things are friends with Joe Copeland. As we talked a bit more we found out that each of us had been at the same show back in 2006 at Remingtons in Springfield which was the first time I’d ever even heard of them let alone seen them. MM has been playing smaller venues this tour so it was cool getting to be so close. It’s cool that they have fans that have been with them since before they were MM I mean I’m one of them, but I really wish fans would stop bringing it up at shows like it is some sort of badge of honor to yell out the old band name. The guys take it pretty good, but you can tell their inner reaction is like “Really…really?” And who can blame them for wanting to get some distance from an old project that they moved on from years ago and hope that people would recognize them for what they’re working on now. I can imagine it’s tough enough to make any band endeavor successful, but it’s got to be extra challenging if your fans keep you stuck in the past. I wonder what is the best way to interact with a band member when you run into them in real life outside of a show without bothering them that still lets them know that you appreciate their music? Do you just say hey when walking past? Is a high five or shaking their hand appropriate? Do you even call them by their name or is a hey dude or hey man more appropriate and less like a creepy stalker or teenie bopper? Thoughts anyone?

My pictures aren’t the greatest, but here they are none the less for your enjoyment.

Along with a compilation video from the night.

Download video: MP4 | Ogg

Download video: MP4 | Ogg