Some times living life single is filled with contentment and can be far preferable to being attached. Then at other times it can feel overwhelmingly daunting and the weight almost unbearable. How close these moments seem to follow one another is strange indeed. One minute I’m able to appreciate how truly free and unencumbered my life is unattached and I rejoice greatly for the joy of being adaptable and able to change direction in a moments notice. The silence and simplicity of solitude appeals greatly to me, however, while I do enjoy this time alone it can gradually turn into isolation and then the deep yearning for closeness rises from within. There is this great desire to be with a kindred spirit or for someone to help hold fast when almost to failing to stand.
In a months time to have considered two opposite directions so closely together would seem incongruent. First the commitment and devotion of a monk like solitary existence in order to gain better focus appeals greatly to me. Second, but 180 degrees opposite of it that I should also have been considering the pursuit of a young woman must seem strange. To have coupled so closely these two lines of thought and reasoning I’m sure is perplexing to others, but they both came up very naturally at the same time and in parallel for me. That I should consider them in tandem, but then that I should decide which direction to aim and to pursue it whole heartedly whatever the choice should be. That I should decide to pursue singleness when the option of this wonderful woman was still on the table seemed to me the greatest form of offering or sacrifice that I could make to the Lord. However when I reached my decision and chose to pursue her only to be waived off, excused away and rejected was overwhelming. Only after the hopeful option of a possible romance exploded in my face could I see that the choice of monastic pursuits even after rejection should prove to be the more difficult form of sacrifice. A route that even now I hesitate to walk although I would have gladly chosen it as the first option before ever pursuing the other. The choice is discouragingly more difficult to make now even though it is the only path before me. I stand here looking from side to side, looking back upon paths that cannot be unwalked, looking ahead, but my vision is obscured so I pause here and wait for another way to be made known or to be nudged forward. Is my breaking complete? Have I been brought down to death in order to be raised to new life? Does my hope and trust increase in the Lord or will my spirit remain downtrodden within me? Oh Lord you know your servant and what his heart requires. Do not call him forth to trial and testing without strength enough to face it or dashed upon the rocks will he be found and his spirit shattered to pieces.
Though he slay me…[I do not know why]
yet will I…[with whatever strength remain]
trust…[hope and be found]